As I fell asleep last night, it happened again. He turned up
in my dream. But I can’t describe him. Maybe he had blond hair. Perhaps not.
I sat at my desk this morning. I was tired. Coffee keeps my
eyes open just enough to make it look like I am doing work. Chris walked up to
me, I sat up straight, widening my eyes. He looked confused then said, “Dan, at
this company we expect a certain level of work that is handed in” I glared at
him, “sorry sir, I didn’t sleep well last night, I keep having weird dreams and
waking up suddenly.” Chris thought for a second, evaluating the situation in
front of him and how he can solve it in the most efficient way. “Take a weekend
off” he said to me, “and if you don’t you will lose your job, you need a break”
I have a small suitcase in the side car of my bike. I felt
calm. He hadn’t turned up in my dream last night. I am glad of that. Maybe he
had blue eyes. It was possible.
As I rounded the last corner I reached the cottage, Hannah
my neighbour had let me stay in it for the weekend. She had agreed with Chris,
and while driving I began to agree too, I needed a break. The cottage was
beautiful, there was a lake in front of it, and it was surrounded by pine
trees. Secluded. Alone. That is how I like things. Hannah says it’s not good
for me up I do not agree. A took the key out of the ignition and picked up my
suitcase, pulling out the handle I rolled it up to the door. Finding the key I
let myself in, flicking on the light switch as I passed through the
entrance. The room was cosy, in one wall
was a fireplace set up with a lighter next to it.
The room is warm. I am sure I fell asleep in front of the
fire because even though the room hasn’t changed he is there. He looks
different. He looks scared. He looks like he is screaming. I wake.
I went to the kitchen and started cooking pasta, and heating
up a tomato sauce I found in the cupboard. I went up to the fridge to get a
bottle of beer. Suddenly I was scared, on the front of the fridge was a
picture. He was in the picture on the fridge. He was blond. He did have blue
eyes. I ran back to the front room, picked up the phone and rang Hannah. I was
in a frenzy. She picked up, I practically shouted down the phone asking who the
person on the fridge was. She didn’t answer for a second, then said “nobody,
there aren’t any pictures on the fridge or in the house at all. I glanced
around, she was right about the second one but I could see the picture on the
fridge from the phone. I described the person in the photo, she thought then
said “there’s a book on the shelf called, uh. Something like pinewood house…
history by some woman, the person you described sounds like a guy from one of
the pictures in that book.” I was confused when I hung up. I glanced around the
room till I saw the book shelf, slowly walking over I found a book that looked
like it had been together rather hastily. It was called ‘A History of Pinewood
House’ by Maria Smithson. I sat down with a beer and opened the first page. The
first thing I noticed was that it was all hand written, the date said 1975. As
I continued slowly flicking through the book I noticed that things had been
stuck in roughly, it looked like Smithson had been working against the clock
when she wrote this.
I turn over the page and there is him. But this time I know
I’m awake, he looks like he did in the picture on the fridge but in my dreams
he looks tired, older somehow.
Hannah is the only person I don’t mind being with. My foster
parents only kept me so they would get money off the government to help take
care of me. They and anyone else makes me feel like I’m a freak. And I’m not.
I’m not ill. I don’t any disorders. The only thing wrong with me is I’m
allergic to peanuts. Hannah has lived next door to me for years, as long as I
can remember actually. She has stormy blue eyes and purple blue hair, which she
lets me dye. I can’t dye my hair because Chris says “It would bring the company
down to let people be that unprofessional” so I dye Hannah’s hair. She doesn’t
mind. It means she can read her book. She has a different one every 2 days. It
makes me smile. Hannah, before I left told me that her family had owned the
little cottage for years, so anything in it would have sentimental value. I
respect that. Looking at the picture of him made me think. I wanted to know who
he was. Under the picture was a passage of writing. Him, he was called Thomas.
He was young in the picture but it looked like it had been added after 1975, in
the last few months. It was almost brand new.
I’ve fallen asleep. He isn’t there. Thomas isn’t there.
Hannah is there. I never dream about Hannah. She was smiling. Reading her book.
I was dying her hair the purple blue she liked.
I woke up. Someone was shaking me, sitting up I saw him.
Thomas. He was looking at me funny, like I had done something. Sitting up I
looked at him. I could feel that I had the same expression on my face as he
did. As he stared right into my eyes, he suddenly looked terrified. “I know
you” he whispered under his breath. He then straightened up shaking his head.
“Sorry” he said in a strained voice. I still hadn’t said a thing. I had no idea
what to say. Then after straightening myself I said simply, “I know you too.
You were in my dreams. And on the fridge. And in the book.” He glanced down at
the book lying open, now on the floor. And saw a picture of himself. He looked
older and more tired than in the photo. He looked like how he looked in my
dreams. But not as scared. I glanced at the clock on the mantelpiece, it was
2.30am. “Why are you here?” he asked me slowly, calculating things in his head.
I thought for a second then said, matter of factually “I needed a break from work.
My neighbour says she owned the cottage and that I could stay in it. I got here
earlier. What about you?” He thought for a bit then shrugged. “Is that your
bike outside?” he asked. I decided it was better to answer than ask the
question again. “Yes” I reply. He nodded slowly. “Who are you?” I asked in a
way that meant ‘I had better get an answer or else’. He thought. “Thomas”. He
said it like that was all that needed to be said. He kept looking at me like he
half recognised me. I decided to put out a hand of friendship, “do you want a
beer?” I asked. He shook his head. “Who’s your neighbour?” he asked. “Hannah,
Hannah Jones” He thought for a second. I didn’t know what answer to that I was
expecting but it wasn’t the one he then said. “My aunt… Purple blue hair?” I
nodded. I could feel the surprise on my face. “I thought she had no family”. He
replied almost immediately with “she would say that. We aren’t on the best
terms. I ran away when her and my mum agreed to put my brother up for adoption.
I left. But not before having a huge argument with them.
I am tired. He is here and I am not asleep. He is standing
in front of me and I am awake. I don’t know what is happening.
We sat in silence for an hour and 8 minutes. I was okay with
that. I could just pretend I was alone. Or I could have almost pretended. He
kept looking at me funny. I didn’t see it happen but I could feel his eyes on
me. Then he said “what is your family like?” I shrugged. I jumped about foster
homes till I was 16 because of “attitude” problems. Then at 16 I got fostered
by a family who didn’t care. They just wanted money. Then I turned 18 and
moved. Legally I still live there, that means the family still gets my money
but I live alone working at a company that doesn’t let me dye my hair.” He
looked down at the book which had still been on the floor since I woke up and
picked it up. Looking at the picture of himself. He shook his head, saying
“this is not a good photo” he then stood up and left the room. 12 minutes later
he came back with a photo. Looking at the photo Thomas stood there. He was
about 4 but recognisable. Next to him was a 2 year old. Brown hair. Hazel eyes.
Like me. I stared at the photo. Thomas looked at me. Then said slowly. “That is
you. Isn’t it?” I stared at him. “Impossible,” I said “I don’t have any family.”
Thomas looked at me strange, “your name isn’t Dan then?” I was shocked. I
hadn’t told him my name. He tilted his head. “Did Hannah look after you well?”
I nodded, still in shock.
How can I have family? That is what is in my head. He isn’t
making sense. Is he?
I could tell he knew he’d freaked me out. But he kept
staring at me anyway. I had no idea what he was waiting for. After 10 minutes.
He jumped up so suddenly I got scared all over again. He then smiled. But I
still wasn’t. I glanced at him. He was tall. Taller than me. “How were you in
my dreams?” I asked. The smile from his face suddenly vanished. “I’m not sure.”
He looked concerned. “When did they start?” he asked. I shrugged, “only a few
weeks ago. But I’ve been losing sleep over it.” Then he asked me the same
question. My answer was the same as his. I didn’t know what to do with the
information. “You were scared in my dreams” I said. He looked up quickly, “I
did?” I nodded. “You looked happy in my dreams, you had a huge smile on your
face sitting with someone in a café.” I shook my head. “That’s not right.” He
looked at me questioning. I thought and then said “I don’t sit with people in
cafés, I rarely sit with people at all. Only Hannah.” He was looking at me but
wasn’t actually looking. He had a glazed look. Then he smiled again. “We should
go. Now!” I shook my head, “its 4 am. I’ve been drinking. It would not be a
good idea for me to drive.” Thomas grabbed the keys off the side. “Silly boy,
grab that book, I’ll drive. But you’ll have to give me directions. I don’t know
my way places.” I thought for a second, then decided that this boy was going to
be persistent, I picked up the book and grabbed my coat. He was already
outside, I switched off the lights and locked the front door. I put the key
safely in my pocket that zipped up so things didn’t fall out. I pulled on my
coat and hugging the book I walked over to the bike. He looked slightly
stressed while holding the helmet which I’d left on top of the bike seat. I
took the key out of his hand and opened the back of the side car. Out came an
extra helmet. Thomas smiled. I pulled the helmet on my head. He put the other
one on and we both got on.
I am trying to stay awake on this journey. I only slept a
few hours. I had been drinking. I am pointing out which way he needs to drive.
I told him to stop outside my house. It was Sunday. It was 7
am. Hannah would be walking out the house in half an hour. She was going to
church. She did that most Sundays. Not always but most. She would be up though.
I pulled the helmet off my helmet and turned to Thomas. “Do you want to say
hello to your aunt?” I made quotation marks with my fingers when I said ‘aunt’.
He gave me a nod. And jumped off the bike. I climbed out of the side car. I was
going to go into the house. I was tired. Thomas stopped me. “No you are coming
with me. She is going to tell you the truth herself.” I sighed. But I didn’t
argue. I followed him up the drive of Hannah’s house. He rang the doorbell
twice. Hannah came to the door, her coloured hair was tied up in a loose bun
above her hair. She smiled at me, then turned her head to look at Thomas. Now
she was glaring. Then her expression changed again. It had turned into to fear.
I was confused. Why was she scared? Maybe Thomas had hurt her. Then I had
noticed her eyes kept darting between the two of us. She was scared of what we
might have told each other. Suddenly I realised everything he had said was
true. “What the fuck are you doing here Tom?” He smiled. A cheeky smile that a
child makes when they have done something that they shouldn’t have done but
that they enjoyed doing. “Well it is lovely to see you again auntie Han.” Her
eyes were still darting between us when he had said this. Thomas then said
slowly and calculated, “He knows. I told him all of it.” She looked down. She
was embarrassed. Then she walked back into the house. Thomas followed Hannah. I
followed Thomas. She turned and looked at us. We were all pretty much the same
age give or take 5 years, yet she spoke to us like we were 20 years younger
than her. “Thomas, we had to give up Dan. It couldn’t be helped. Your mother
didn’t have money. She could barely handle Thomas and then she got pregnant
again. She tried. But couldn’t deal with it. I found you later though, Dan and
I told myself I’d look after you. Even if I promised your mother that I’d never
tell you who you really were. I’m glad they didn’t change you name while you
were in the system.” She looked sad. Thomas glanced at me. I didn’t have any
idea what to do.
I have a family. In a weekend away I didn’t want to take I
discovered a family. Thomas is a great brother. He is helping me. I am starting
to enjoy being with other people besides just Hannah. We have both forgiven
her. I am becoming a better person than what I was. I quit my job. I hated it
anyway. They were mean. I am happy now.
xx
